I'm a person that struggles with boundary-setting and have spent numerous years in relationships that have left me as less-than I was before. Imagine people-pleasing to an absolute fault, and being more of a chameleon that adapts to avoid conflicts. This has led to problems of identity, and deriving my sense of worth through others which isn't healthy.
Fortunately, I do not have the same problems professionally and part of my people-pleasing skills have been put to good use there.
However, history continued and continues to repeat itself to this day. I'm more than half-way into this book and am not only seeing patterns from my childhood, my relationships with my parents, and my early relationships (platonic & romantic)
It's been eye-opening, and I consider it my first step in breaking this trend.
I would try the original book on people pleasing: "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title may sound lousy
but is a very logical book. The author is a PhD in his 60s and he coined the concept. You can start by listening some podcasts where he was a guest. He's genuine and a great communicator. Definitely underrated.
After a short search for Dr. Robert Glover I'm getting all kinds of "red pill", "pickup advice", "men's rights" links etc, all of which are red flags to me for "incel" kind of stuff.
Is that also what I can expect from the book, or did I come to conclusions too quickly?
Forget the us vs them culture war perspective, and think about this- who are the people attracted to "incel" or "mens rights" stuff and why? These are mostly men - that grew up "people pleasing" and being unable to set boundaries, thinking this made them "good" or "nice guys" and therefore deserving of romantic and financial success, yet it didn't work out like that and they're upset about it.
The men's rights stuff tells them they've been sold a lie/raw deal by society, and that they can get power, success, etc. by rejecting that narrative that didn't work for them. Yes, this involves a lot of fear, misogyny, etc. but at it's core there is the message that it's your own fault, and you need to take responsibility: learn to set boundaries, work hard, prioritize and communicate your own needs, develop vulnerability and emotional intelligence, etc. Old self help books that really work are extremely popular in these communities, and these men support and coach each other in working hard to apply these lessons in their own lives. Those books predate "incel" or "mens rights" stuff and themselves have nothing to do with it.
I grew up with these same issues, and found advice that helped me because it had been popularized and made visible by these "men's rights" groups. I wholeheartedly reject the misogyny, narcissism, and fear based manipulation these groups use, but I also wholeheartedly accept the idea that most of my problems were caused by myself, and I can do the work to fix them by doing the internal emotional work, learning to set boundaries, etc.
> The men's rights stuff tells them they've been sold a lie/raw deal by society...
I think that's it in a nutshell. Selling a narrative of undeserved victimhood is very powerful. I think a lot of men stop at convenient victimhood and do not follow through and to learn how to be resilient, reliable, and genuinely put others' interests ahead of their own.
If you're being a "nice guy" just to get something, then you're not actually a "nice guy", you're just play acting in order to get what you want. People recognize that almost immediately, and do not trust people like that with relationships or responsibility. Peers will trust you when you accept that you cannot trick the world into trusting you, and you start building trust through actions.
Yes, a key part of No more Mr. Nice Guy is that "Nice Guys" operate on "Covert Contracts." They do things for other people with the (unstated/secret) expectation of something specific in return, especially, e.g. being nice or giving gifts and compliments to women, and expecting romantic interest, friendship, loyalty, etc. in return- and they get upset and act out when they don't get what they expected, which isn't really "nice" at all.
This is contrasted with clearly setting, communicating, and enforcing boundaries: e.g. I choose to only have relationships with other people that treat me with dignity and mutual respect. I will let people know if they are violating my boundaries, and if necessary, I will move on from the relationship.
I do take issue with your idea to "put others' interests ahead of their own." Often, that is actually part of the problem these "nice guys" have- they are afraid to put their own interests first, which leads them them silently tolerate abuse, etc. and just constantly seethe with resentment. We are each responsible for our own needs and interests, and it is childish to put others first at the expense of yourself, and then silently expect other people to somehow take care of your interests for you. Good leadership, for example involves a type of enlightened self interest: e.g. I am mentoring young people because it brings me joy to see them succeed, I can relate to them, and it makes the world I also live in better. This is because it's good for me, I would not mentor young people if I hated it and it made me miserable, just because I think they need it, and I am putting their needs first, nor would I do it for some covert/unstated reward or repayment. Life isn't a zero sum game- your own best interests will very often align with those of others.
> I do take issue with your idea to "put others' interests ahead of their own."
I don't believe that putting "others first at the expense of yourself, and then silently expect[ing] other people to somehow take care of your interests for you" is actually "put[ting] others' interests ahead of [your] own". That's still self interest, it just utilizes the Covert Contracts you mentioned.
I think good leadership is self sacrifice. Being able to adjust or set aside your expectations without resentment will not help you win a war or run a country, but it will help your marriage, friendships, and children. Once I learned to adjust my expectations for people, I let go of a lot of bitterness and I was able to focus energy elsewhere. This is more of a personal outlook for me--I'm not arguing with you, I just wanted to clarify my position.
I think we're actually in agreement, but these issues are hard to discuss clearly because the words and ideas surrounding them are pretty muddled together.
I would argue that the type of leadership you are talking about is still ultimately self interest- it is still putting your own ideals or goals first, and being willing to endure hardship or difficulty to accomplish them. Wanting your family, relationships, etc. - things you care deeply about- to thrive is hardly self sacrifice.
This is a philosophical argument as old as the hills... but it seems that often what one calls altruism, another calls self interest, and they can be talking about the same thing. For example, in Ayn Rands books she emphasizes "selfishness" as a virtue, and yet her "selfish heros" are usually people working on some hard technical problem that would mostly benefit other people, and her "altruistic villans" are doing some type of empty posturing to make themselves look good, to gain personal social status and power. So her concepts are pretty muddled as well- was Stalin really evil because he put others needs before his own? That seems like a pretty silly take for someone mass-murdering their political opponents while living in multiple palaces.
Ultimately, I don't find the dichotomy of selfishness vs altruism to be a very meaningful distinction- it seems like people can easily categorize anything into either category. Things I think are "good" usually involve taking seriously both your own and others needs, looking for good solutions with creativity and an open mind, and being willing to endure hardship to make things better.
It seems to me that people always miss the factor that ultimately determines the differences between self interest and altruism, which is intent. If an action is performed without thought for oneself, yet there is some result that aligns with self interest, that does not somehow nullify any aspect of altruism. Why? For one, people cannot predict the future. What may be perceived as good in one instant can quickly become horrible in another. Similarly, what is in one’s best interest is also subject to perception and changes over time. And finally, one is not always in control of the outcome. I would agree with you that for an act to be viewed as self interest vs altruism is a matter of opinion, when intent is unknown. However, whether or not altruism exists at all (because "it’s not altruism if they somehow benefit") is not - which I am not accusing you of making that argument, though it may be interpreted that way by some.
The most salient advice from the book is to give of yourself to others as they want/need/enjoy, not as you want. As the book phrases it: “The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.” Sacrificing your time to do things that no one wants you to do for them isn't going to get you much credit in their eyes and can lead to resentment on your end. A more general, less relationship-focused version of this advice might be phrased as "am I being useful or am I just being busy?"
That said, the rest of the book is skippable. Most of the advice is ok but is a lot of the same stuff that I assume appears in every other self-help book (in short: attempt to find internal satisfaction with your life and to actively work on doing so). There's plenty of anecdotes of men the author claims to have helped, but those stories seem to be more filler than effective illustration.
The book comes off the rails when he talks about why "nice guys" exist. He says that boys spend too much time with their mothers and in the "female dominated educational system". Because of this, boys internalize that they need to spend all of their time attempting to please women. "Radical feminism" is also to blame for making men feel worthless. There's also a strange portion where he says that nice guys are petrified of sex and premature ejaculation in these cases is caused by a desire to finish coitus as quickly as possible to get it over with. That said, Glover mostly sticks to the advice rather than these "causes", likely to let his book appeal to a broader audience. However, I'm not at all surprised that Glover has appeared on both Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh's talk shows.
My take on the book is that Glover is targeting dissatisfied men who are getting in their own way and who feel like their life is stagnating. Any advice - good or bad - that gets these men to make a change is likely to feel like a massive improvement to them.
I consider myself a feminist and I strongly recommend the book. It was my therapist that recommended it to me. The term "nice guy" has been co-opted to mean something different (though related) in the meme world.
I think you've successfully protected yourself against very dangerous information.
Had you read this stuff without first conceiving the notions that you did conceive, you would have risked being radicalized by the hateful, racist, misogynistic, islamaphobic, homophobic, Bidenophobic ideas contained in such literature.
It's a good thing that today we have both corporate and state-sponsored mass media available to create and attach these kinds of labels to dangerous information for us. It not only saves us time, but keeps us safe from exposure to harmful information.
I'm glad you were able to catch yourself before being exposed to these dangerous and radicalizing ideas.
Huh, I searched and his brand seems to be about talking to the "nice guys" who are all like "Why do women always pick jocks and not the nice guys like me?"
Which is not a stereotype that I associate with compulsive people-pleasing, exactly... Compulsive self-pitying and limerence, more like.
I'm reading/listening to book at the suggestion of a friend who strongly recommended it. I initially balked because of exactly the association you are talking about, but it is a much deeper book and really not about solving that problem. It is a book that asks you to look at your relationship to pleasing people and all the impacts, and it is, so far, worthwhile for me to look more closely at that.
"nice" just means you don't have personal boundaries, so you go out of your way to try to keep everyone around you comfortable, rather than express your needs, preferences, and emotions and just let other people react as they will.
Nice Guys in that context are often self-identified though, "I'm a nice guy, why do I keep getting rejected?". I'm sure it originated from rejections in the form of "You're a nice guy, but..."
I learned about this word recently, too. Lowering the barrier for the curious-
From Wikipedia:
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, to describe a concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love.[1]
Limerence, which is not exclusively sexual, has been defined in terms of its potentially inspirational effects and relation to attachment theory. It has been described as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation".
In my case, the book has helped me to maintain my inner peace, which is really important when you want to get into the flow-state mind during programming. Emotional maturity is important for a work environment too, ability to handle the mental health of yourself and your teammates during long work hours gives a boost in productivity.
Certainly the problem couldn’t be the long work hours? No, it’s your emotional immaturity that’s causing you to not focus for long hours. This culture in tech is exactly why mental health issues in the industry are so prevalent. Put the blame on the individual for their reasonable emotional responses to ongoing stress.
What are the odds? I'm currently dealing with some relationship issues, part of that is codependency, and this is one of the books that's doing the rounds in those spaces. I've been reading Codependent No More myself, which is an older book, kinda preachy, kinda Alcoholics Anonymous, lots of religious undertones etc etc, BUT it also lists a lot of symptoms and behaviours that I've recognized in my personal life / relationship; self-sacrifice, "rescuing" behaviour, obsessing over the other, controlling behaviour, emotional self-deprivation (err, ignoring one's own feelings), anxiety, low self-worth / confidence, guilt, shame, etc.
I can't recommend the book per se, it's a bit dated, but it lays a lot of groundwork and identifies a lot of traits so it has its place.
This is a good book. Another one I would recommend from this genre is "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now".
Depends on what you're looking to get out of it but it could definitely be helpful. If you have a specific focus you can probably find a book that better expands on that specific topic. The books three titled sections are Work, Love, The Brain and the Body.
A lot of the principles outlined in the book are basically around the concept that you should learn these going into your 20's and apply them right away instead of applying them in your 30's from what I remember. It's been a few years since I've read the book though so I might be a little off.
I'm happy to give other suggestions as best I can if you're curious.
In many ways I'm still in my teens (I'm in my 40s), and finding more ways to grow up into adulthood, and have found books targeted to teens to be helpful in this.
I'm a person that struggles with boundary-setting and have spent numerous years in relationships that have left me as less-than I was before. Imagine people-pleasing to an absolute fault, and being more of a chameleon that adapts to avoid conflicts. This has led to problems of identity, and deriving my sense of worth through others which isn't healthy.
Fortunately, I do not have the same problems professionally and part of my people-pleasing skills have been put to good use there.
However, history continued and continues to repeat itself to this day. I'm more than half-way into this book and am not only seeing patterns from my childhood, my relationships with my parents, and my early relationships (platonic & romantic)
It's been eye-opening, and I consider it my first step in breaking this trend.